Bittersweet

Where do I start? I just am having a hard time letting it sink in that she's gone.

Grandma (Roy) died yesterday afternoon, she was 91. I know she looked forward to the day when she could see Jesus face to face and she would tell me so nearly as often as I saw her for the last several years. She was happy with her home and large beautiful family here on earth but I know she missed her husband, Uncle Gary, Uncle Darwin, Aunt Millie, her sisters and more and wanted to be with them and also be without all the pain she felt in the end as her body wore down.

This photo was taken maybe around Christmas 2004 or 2005? In 1998 I found this puppy and HAD to get it for Grandma - well, the story was that I really wanted it but it was Grandma's birthday so I gave it to her and I'd just planned on visiting it every time I went to her house. :) Grandmas know what you're thinking - they just do - so Grandma and I started the "Puppy Exchange." Every holiday or birthday Grandma would give me the puppy all wrapped up and tell me she took very good care of it - she didn't even let any of the great-grandkids play with it when they were over! Ha. Anyway, I would then keep the puppy for several months until I'd go back to her house or if there was a holiday or her Birthday I'd wrap it back up and give it to her. This is just one of the silly memories we have together. Right now Grandma has the puppy at her house but I can't wait to see it and I plan on keeping it forever. Maybe one day I can give it to one of my children and tell them this story.

Everyone will miss Grandma. I just cannot imagine going to Paxton and staying in her house without her. It's going to be so weird, different, just sad without her making jokes, cooking meals, or refusing to sit down because she wanted to help with the dishes! You know that laugh she had when she'd really get going? She'd close her eyes and her head would tilt back slightly as she laughed breathing in short breaths - almost like hiccups. Clint could always make her laugh like that.Grandma was funny, but she was also very smart. You couldn't fool or trick her. She always knew. And, you'd better never try to put that $10 bill back on her dresser or anywhere else or she'd find you, call or write how that was for your lunch on the way home and try to convince you how much you needed it! Oh gosh, I have so many lovely memories of Grandma. Memories of trips to Kentucky family reunions, young childhood memories of her patting me on my back as I lay on her living room floor trying to nap, sleeping in her bed with her growing up and her saying sweetly "the best way I find I can fall asleep is to lay still and be quiet," Grandma as the "tooth fairy" and bringing me nickles and dimes...one time I even got a barbie at her house from the tooth fairy! I remember being sick at her house and her keeping a cool towel on my forehead and running her hands through my hair even as I lay hunched over the toilet (sorry, but for some reason I love that memory, she was there taking care of me always - that's one that makes me cry every time). Huh, and all the times she threatened using the fly swatter on her refrigerator on my brother and other cousins...never on me. Grandma always made me feel like I meant the world to her and I knew she loved me so much - she knew I loved her too. I'm going to miss hugging her little frail, 70 something pound body every time I walked through her door or every night or morning as I woke up and walked into the kitchen. She'd always be sitting here, waiting for me to get up and either have a huge breakfast (biscuits, chocolate or sausage gravy - or both, eggs, bacon, a variety of homemade jam - you name it!) or oatmeal with sweet cinnamon rolls or "nilla" wafers was also a favorite. We always joked that her house was "Grandmas hotel" because when we lived in Kentucky and then Ohio Clint and I would drive through Paxton to stop and stay at Grandmas house even if it was only for one night. To this day we'd still stop since we're in Milwaukee and we'd make trips back to Kentucky to see Clint's side of the family.

Even though I'm happy for Grandma right now I still can't help but be sad just because we were so close and she took me under her wing and I just miss her so much already. I knew this day would come and it finally has and I'm so glad I have so many great memories of her. The most difficult part, besides missing her physical presence now, is that even growing up as a child myself I always wanted Grandma to be able to hold my babies. I wanted them to at least have photos together even if she did pass away before they could remember much about her at their young age. Grandma knew though we were having three babies and I will never forget making that phone call to tell her. She was so funny! Once I finally was able to tell her we were pregnant with "a" baby (it was hard for her to hear over the phone and I repeated it like 100 times) ;) I said "Grandma, we're having more than one baby!" She kind of fumbled and I think she thought she heard me wrong and said "more than one baby?!" I told her yes and she said in her adorable little voice "well, how many are ya having?! Two?!" Ha, oh it was so funny to hear her reaction! I said "No Grandma. Not two." She was even more confused now. She was like "uh, wh-what do ya mean not two? I don't understand." I told her to make sure she was sitting down and then came the shocker. "Grandma, we're having three babies! We're having triplets!" I can't help but laugh (even though there are tears streaming down my face) just thinking about her facial expression or what was going through her mind! "Three babies! Oh my-oh! Oh my goodness! You're gonna have three babies?!" I told her yes and the next thing she said was "wow" or something followed by "did you take those shots?" lol!!! Oh Grandma, you are such a character! I told her we did "take shots" whatever that meant to her I'm not 100% sure, but she understood we had help from a fertility doctor and that was really all she probably could handle knowing at that point anyway. :) To be honest I didn't think she even knew a thing about reproductive medicine but maybe she watched a 20/20 on it one day or something :) lol! "Those shots!" I love it. Aunt Katie was there when I'd called Grandma to tell her and she later told me Grandma hung up the phone and told her she needed to go lay down for a little bit. Apparently she didn't go take a nap in her blue chair like usual but she went to her bedroom and took a long afternoon nap in her bed! Trust me Grandma, that's what we did when we found out too! Haha! :) Oh, I wish so much you could have met our little ones but more importantly, I wish that they could have met you and known you. You are so special to me. As I always told you from an early age Grandma "You're my favorite person in the whole wide world" and you still are! You helped shape the person I am and I am so grateful and I love you so much! The legacy you leave it the most important and the only true lasting thing and that's your faith. Because of you our parents (aunts and uncles, cousins and many others) believed in Christ and live their lives according to God's truth and I am eternally grateful and so blessed I was taught what it means to believe and live a life that is Christ-like.

(I took this photo of Grandma this Christmas (2009) opening presents. This one was from Matthew (my brother) and Sara from their wedding in July 2009. Even though we knew Grandma was in pain she rarely mentioned it or complained about it. She was always so joyful and such an amazing example for us all).

I'm going to miss you more than you might ever know. Our children will know everything about you because I will tell them and we'll never forget the love you showed us and the memories we made together. I love you Grandma. Goodbye until I reach the other side of heaven.

Your Granddaughter, Rachel Elizabeth

"When I get where I'm going, don't cry for me down here..."